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A Beginner's Guide To The Insanity Of Driving In Italy. Sort Of.Ø

A Beginner's Guide To The Insanity Of Driving In Italy. Sort Of.

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Michael Ballaban

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From someone who still doesn’t entirely know how.

I just spent two weeks in Italy, all of which was really quite lovely. I ate much delicious pasta, saw many beautiful sights, and learned the true meaning of public transportation frustration when the driver of the Circumvesuviana train, which goes all around a live volcano, stopped in the middle of the route just to have a nice little cigarette break.

But I also learned a few things while I was there, and since I wasn’t the first clueless American to show up looking to drive on Italian shores, I figured I’d help us all become a little less clueless, with a simple guide to driving through the heart of the former Roman Empire.

(Full Disclosure: Italy wanted me to drive through Italy so bad that I paid for all my own airfare, hotels, food, and really everything else I needed or wanted in Italy. Fiat was kind enough to loan me an Alfa Romeo Giulietta Quadrifoglio, which I picked up from a garage on the outskirts of Rome and which you’ll be hearing more about shortly in another article, but that was really about it.)

Before heading to Europe, I made sure to fill my mind with plenty of expectations, hopes, and fears. Italy was “God’s race track,” I’d heard somewhere, so that was bound to be good. Italy was also full of crazy drivers, so that was bound to be bad.

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But ahead of everyone driving in Italy for the first time lies the Autostrada, the twisty switchback mountain roads that descend deep into majestic valleys, and a carbohydrate-induced food coma to balance out the adrenaline of desperately trying to avoid hitting anything like a repulsive magnet in a pinball machine.

And therein lies great driving. So with a AAA-issued International Driving Permit in hand, which really doesn’t seem to do anything except translate your already-existing license into a few languages, you’ll be ready to go.

As long as you know a few simple rules first.

1) Don’t Drive In Rome

Real simple. Don’t drive in Rome.

2) Don’t Drive In Rome

Legit, even a Roman taxi driver told me not to drive in Rome. Streets that are way too narrow for one-way traffic somehow allow two-way traffic, street signs aren’t so much street signs as they are engravings on buildings, and even then, only sometimes, because other times they’re not there at all, not like that would matter since streets often change names for no reason at all.

As an example, here’s an incredibly exotic Lancia Thema, driving down a Roman street. If you can tell me the name of the street the definitely not a Chrysler 300 is driving down, you belong in a government lab somewhere.

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Oh, also, everyone drives more aggressively than any New York City taxi driver you’ve ever encountered, and you might die.

I don’t actually know about that last part, but, you know, keep it in mind, just to be safe. And if you’re really going to be safe, follow tip three.

3) You Know What, Just Don’t Drive In Italy At All

I told one of the kindly hotel owners I met that I actually drove to that particular hotel. At first she looked at me wide-eyed in shock that I would ever attempt such a thing, and then she looked at me wide-eyed in horror as if I had just told her I only feast on the faces of bugs.

4) But If You Do Drive In Italy, Know That You’re Going On A Wonderful Adventure

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And treat it as such. Adventures can be fun, bringing you new experiences and filling you with a sense of personal exploration. Or they can be hellish, as you recognize you don’t know where you’re going, what you’re doing, or have any idea what the road signs mean. But you’re going to want to put yourself in the mindset that you aren’t going for a lovely weekend drive in your neighborhood. You’re going to be heading into unfamiliar territory, and that’s okay.

5) Make Sure Your Mode Of Transport Comes With A Navigation System

All of you are probably going to dump on me for wanting a nav system, but it really can be a lifesaver in Italy specifically, and in Europe generally. Streets, especially narrow ones in cities, can often be poorly marked. That is, if they’re marked at all. When you’re on an adventure, missing a turn becomes an inevitability. What’s worse is when you don’t even know you’ve missed a turn, and you’re halfway into Austria before you realize all the road signs are now in German. So bring a GPS system, either by using the one integrated into whatever car you’re using, bringing along a separate device, or using a navigation app on your phone.

You might be ready to scream at me about how pricey your phone-based navigation is when overseas, as it’s constantly downloading new maps on something like Google Maps. Google Maps can save some offline maps in a pinch, but what really saved my bacon a few times was Nokia’s HERE maps. I was able to download the maps for the entire country over WiFi, and it still provided turn-by-turn navigation.

Oh, and HERE is the wildly inexpensive price of free.

6) Get Some Real Maps As Well

Your GPS is going to screw up at some point, so you’re going to want to be able to double-check it. Also, it might be British, saying things like “turn half-right.” Anyone have any idea what that jumble of letters means? Of course not. Half-right is for half-people. You’re not a half-person. You’re a WHOLE PERSON.

What I’m saying is, bring some back-up maps.

7) Arrange For A Car

You’re not going to be shipping your Fox-body Mustang halfway across the world just to go driving in Europe like you’re some Doug Demuro-type of weirdo. You’re going to want to borrow a car, and likely some sort of rental. Do yourself and the rest of humanity a favor by renting something small and weird, because that’s what Europe is about. A Fiat Panda, an Alfa Giulietta, or even a Volkswagen GTD are all the right amount of small and weird.

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If you end up renting a Renault Twizy, you’ve gone too small and weird. Try again.

8) Familiarize Yourself With Local Regulations And Road Signs

I can’t stress this one enough. You’ll see things that look like a red circle, which means no vehicles allowed, or resident’s vehicles only, or no parking at all, or a sign telling you that there are speed cameras, or a sign saying “Sistema Tutor,” which you’ll think is a really great way to have one-on-one instruction in calculus or something but is actually the most nefarious speed trap of them all, the average speed camera. Some signs will make sense to you, and some signs will simply tell you to quit with all the bugling.

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Memorize all of them, as you’ll see them frequently.

9) Prepare To Ignore And Forget Every Single Thing In The Previous Rule

Okay, this is the one thing I didn’t understand about Italy, and the one thing I still don’t understand. Native Italians please, for the love of all that is holy, feel free to chime in. But every single driving regulation in Italy was more vague suggestion than enforced law.

And we’re talking the vaguest of vague here.

The speed limit on the Autostrada tends to be aboue 130 kilometers an hour, or about 80 MPH. And that’s great. Super great. You know how rare it is to find a speed limit that high outside of the middle of nowhere in Texas? Incredibly rare. And with all the speed cameras smothering the entire highway network, I expected everyone to be totally satisfied with that nicely quick speed limit.

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And yet, I found myself dumbfounded. Here I was, tootling along at 80, in the right hand lane, when a Smart car with a wheezy diesel engine would come blasting past me at what seemed like 100 MPH, likely taxing that wheezy diesel to the absolute limits.

Speed cameras? Tutor system? Actual caribinieri? None of these things seemed to matter. Apparently you just floor the gas pedal to your heart’s content, and that’s fine.

And as for all those “no vehicles” or “resident vehicles only” signs, I remember asking a hotel proprietor where to park, at which point they told me to just park right outside. When I meekly informed them that I couldn’t, because I wasn’t a resident, they stared at me like I just told them I forgot how to chew oatmeal, along with a sigh and the only English words they seemed to be able to annunciate perfectly:

“....so?”

10) Find A Route

And make it a good one. Italy is so chock-a-block full of undulating topography, that if you don’t come back ranting and raving about how you, and only you, found the One True Greatest Driving Road in the world, then you did it wrong. Here’s my route, which I covered over three days, as an example:

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Every single road I drove on along that route was The Greatest Driving Road In The World, even the terrible ones.

11) Get Lost

Let your GPS freak out for a while, it’s fine. You’ll see stuff off the beaten path you’ll never see otherwise.

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I saw some cows.

12) Don’t Worry About People Driving Aggressively

It’s not like in the US, where if a guy is tailgating you it can quickly turn into a blind bloodlust of road rage. Tailgating is a way of life. When you see an eight car pileup on the side of the road, with all the drivers involved in good physical condition and looking slightly bored as I did outside of Pescara, you’ll understand how it’s all just a part of the landscape.

13) Don’t Hang Out In The Left Lane

I don’t care if you’ve burned every Tutor System camera in the entire country, someone will always be going faster than you. Use the left lane to pass, and for nothing else.

14) Don’t Drive In Rome

Don’t drive in Rome.

And there you have it. You’re all set to begin your Italian Roadtrip.

As long as, you know, you remember not to drive in Rome.

:lol:

. “There are varying degrees of hugs. I can hug you nicely, I can hug you tightly, I can hug you like a bear, I can really hug you. Everything starts with physical contact. Then it can degrade, but it starts with physical contact." SM su Autonews :rotfl:

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These Are Your Most Garbage Car Dealership Experiences

These Are Your Most Garbage Car Dealership Experiences

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Tom McParland

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Last week we asked you to tell us your worst dealership stories. Between the email submissions and the comments, we got flooded with responses. The ones below are the most unbelieveable and heinous responses we received.

Apparently, "brown" people don't buy luxury cars.

g101010101:

Went to a BMW dealership walked, walked around and no one asked if I could be helped. I was looking for a 330i.

About 2 weeks later I went to the same dealership, walked around and no one helped me. So I asked someone who was standing around if they knew where I could find a salesperson. He said that he was one. I asked him why, after coming here twice and looking around for up to 10 minutes, did no one seem to want to help?

He said "that's really strange, I don't know why.... it's not like your brown or anything"

I immediately left, drove 30 minutes to another BMW dealership and bought the car from them.

Dude...where is the engine?

jariten781:

Fun story. Back in 96 or so I saw a used car dealer had a MR2 turbo in the classifieds and I was in the market. Drove over, and as normal, it had 'just been sold'. I told the guy I wasn't really interested in anything else as I was just looking at the MR2 because I was interested in a cheapish mid-engined car. He goes 'Oh, we have just the thing around back, stay here and I'll pull it around'.

So I'm wondering what it's going to be...X1/9? late 70s Espirit (they were dirt cheap at the time)?...Nope, it was a freaking del Sol. I'm like 'Um...that's not mid engined...' He ensures me that it is so I pop the hood and point and say...'No it's front engined see'.

He goes "All cars have their engines in the front. What mid-engined means is that it's the companies middle sporty car. The MR2 is mid engined because it's faster than the Celica but slower than the Supra. The del Sol is mid engined because it's faster than the Civic, but slower than the Prelude.' So yeah, I learned a thing or two about salesmen that day.

MadisonSuicide:

Back in the mid 90s I was shopping around for a "new" used car and came across a pretty good looking MR2. (looked good on the outside, the interior was a bit of a mess) The dealer came out and we shook hands and went through the pleasantries and I decided to give it a test drive. The dealer got the keys, came back, sat in the car and tried to start it. Nothing. He looked confused and tried again. Still nothing.

And now I kid you not, he turned to me and said, "Sorry, with so many cars here it is difficult to remember how to start them all." I responded with an amused, "Well, I imagine so." He tried a few more times and still nothing. Finally I suggested we take a look at the engine and maybe something was just disconnected. He popped the hood, we walked around to the front of the MR2, he lifted the hood, and we stared into an empty space. "Well there is the problem," I said, "someone stole the engine." His eyes widened and he said he needed to go inform the manager. I used his absence to walk away.

Brought my car back for repairs...and it got stolen!

Ian Goodman:

This was over 10 years ago, but it still stings. I bring my 97 Jetta GLX (VR6, manual) to the dealer for some minor issue... probably an 02 sensor. I get a call back that afternoon saying that parts for this car are very hard to find and that they would have to keep it another day. The next morning I get another call saying that the good news is that they won't charge me for the part. The bad news is my car was left in front of the gate to the fence, the security cameras happened to be off, and my car was stolen.

They never accepted responsibility. They made some half-ass attempt at selling me another car at inflated prices as a "special deal." I had to go through my own insurance company for the claim. Brings a new level of meaning to Stealership!

My wife got fired from her job because the dealer was incompetent.

Ride250s:

My Wife bought a new Nissan Sentra from Dubuque Auto Plaza and almost lemon lawed it because it had so many problems. The main issue was hard starting. Dealership couldn't fix it so Nissan flee in a special tech who figured it out in minutes. Needless to say the desler got a little heat from Nissan. Anyway, my Wife worked for a local bank where this desler had their main account. When the owner happened to make a deposit and saw her working there, he threatened to pull his account. A few days later my wife was let go with no explanation... Nice.

So...negotiation equals charity?

Santiago Franco:

Few years ago I was in the market for a small hatch. Headed down to a VW dealer in Miami to give the GTI a test drive. Once we started talking price, I gave my initial offer. The sweet little old lady that I had been dealing with showed what she really was, a pint sized b*tch who thought she was selling water in the desert. She got up from her chair, stepped out of her office and looked around As if she was looking for something. She then looked back at me and said she didn't see a sign that said "Goodwill" anywhere. Needless to say, I left the dealership in heartbeat.

La mejo è la seconda.........:lol::rotfl:

Modificato da pennellotref

. “There are varying degrees of hugs. I can hug you nicely, I can hug you tightly, I can hug you like a bear, I can really hug you. Everything starts with physical contact. Then it can degrade, but it starts with physical contact." SM su Autonews :rotfl:

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